Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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