I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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