I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You ruined the universe
Verdict: uncircumcised.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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