i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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