Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your penis caused this!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize