just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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