I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
