we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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