Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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