All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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