just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize