I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
