"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
