dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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