shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
