At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
