you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
