The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
