So drunk its hurt
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
