Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
