I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
