watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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