your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
