At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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