The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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