long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
