Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
