The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
