dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
