i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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