maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
