you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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