Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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