I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just cropdusted the office
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
