You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
