I'm gonna have a badass scar
I want to have your abortion
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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