I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
