my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
