On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
