My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
