great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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