and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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