Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
