That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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