I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
