I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
