I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
