Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
