I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
