Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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