Soap is not a condiment
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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