Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
