His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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