Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
