Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
