I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
