oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
