I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
