Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just googled if crying burns calories
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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