I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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