when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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