I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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